Im realli tired now...cant realli help it but if dis is gonna be the way things keep goin on so be it...have done n said wad i need to n once again things r out of my hands n if dis is the choice so be it...im tired of everythin...tired of work...tired of school...tired of pw...tired of bein made the scapegoat n the punchin bag...tired of bein used...tired of bein or even tryin to be nice...n the list goes on...but most of all im tired of bein fooled again...


Tired of livin...wishin for all to end...

found the song dats stuck in my head...end of days...how fittin...got the translation n lyrics which basically speaks for me more den anythin else now...

listen to the lyrics n feel the emotions...
http://jay-chou.net/lyrics_view.php?a_id=3&s_id=3

end of days

Have been workin my ass off for the whole of last week n am damn tired...money i got comes in n leave the next moment...sigh...spendin it like water sia...somethings dat took up a chunk of my gold...

1)windbreaker-$120
2)addidas jacket (gettin it tmr on reserved now)-$90
3)clothes-$90
4)more clothes dat is comin-$34
5)gonna get new shoes-$89
6)protein n creatine-$80+$40

= a lot of money gonna be spent... x.x

emotions r fast flowin...dunno whether to be happy or sad...one moment im up the next came crashin back...when will dis cycle end?...either when i give up everythin or dat im six feet under i guess...

Pw is kinda screwed up...shant mention bout it...but somethings seriously in late is gettin on my nerves n the last min screwed ups r seriously pissin me off...argh...sigh jus get this crap done n over with n the end...never want to go back to doin this sort of stuff ever again...

when in doubt do nothin...no wonder im never doin anythin i guess...

Bleah has been workin my ass off for the past few days...rushin here n there n still got school work to do...guilty consicence finally kicked in so decided to rush n do as much as i can for my part in the oral presentation thingy...though its most prob gonna take up most of my sleep tonight n leave me drain again for the third day in a row for lack of sleep but oh well might as well get it done n over with...aint goin school tmr shall stay home to rush it finnish n go for work den..

Work has been taxin n tirin but oh thanks nick-t for workin under ur mum gave me some experience with containers n cargo so kinda help on the first day...though it didnt help by the fact that went for HNF before dat n gymed leavin me with barely enough energy to complete the tasks...once again im reminded on how money is hard to get by but still find it hard to control my spendin as i jus blew off 120 bucks on my windbreaker =X

Though im physically tired these days n bein drained out i relish in these moments...moments where u r tired till the brain becomes numb n where all thoughts jus cease...the body becomes a machine n tool where worries no longer plague the brain...dunno where im headin towards now...all so messed up...i myself dun even know wad i realli want...or to even dare to harbour hope...

A lvl chinese is comin but haven prepared for it...shoots...gonna miss another softball trainin tmr once more due to work n most prob again on friday...sigh...sorri coach...promised i will train properly once i return...

Over the past few days had some good moments, bad moments, dubious moments, tired moments,adrelanine rushin moments, over all mixed moments...each moments leads to subsequent thoughts but buried them all by forcin myself not to think at all..."thinking can hurt your chances...n i intend to last" an extract from handmaids tale...how ironic...dun even know wad u want me to think now...



MY BRAIN IS NUMB!!!

Hope n despair...

The extreme ends of each other...
one moment i was filled with hope...the next...
yet both of them falls on the same coin...
dont lead on or be indecisive...
Jus different sides...
dunno wad side should i even be on...


In the end...does it even matter?

Finally a day to rest for once...but somehow jus cant sleep...arghh...maybe the body has already been conditioned n used to the lack of sleep?...bleah...feelin tired the whole day still even after wakin up at 10+ n going back to bed frequently in the afternoon still cant sleep...shoots wad a waste of the day to sleep in... =/ oh well had another nice lunch today enjoyed a bowl of fish soup with rice n 7 bowls of dimsum by myself woot...felt sleepier after the meal but still cant sleep?... -.-

Went to the gym in the evenin n felt great workin out (relieve a lil of the guilt of eatin so much in the afternoon :P ) had a great workout in fact...maybe cuz haven train for some days already due to work n school so it felt great to be back...ah have to fit in a new scheldue to make sure work n gym can go hand in hand...its good to have money n feel healthy haha so feelin in a better mood :)

Feel like skippin school all the way till school close next thurs though...jus want to gym n work n go for softball trainin n forget bout schoolwork for once...shall see how ba...heng wei was askin me if wanna go cut hair n dye hair @_@ purple he say...wonder wad will the reaction be if i start to have purple streaks in my hair =X no need u guys to say i already know even more beng... hmm shall see how also...but wadever...so wad if look like a beng?still dun understand the discrimination against bengs...or bengs look alike...oh well each to their own den...i mean some ppl can be like all into the bitchy rich cant do without manicure n will melt in the sun kinda shit so u keep urs i keep mine :D jus dun tell me wad to do with myself...whos livin the life after all?u or me? ITS MY LIFE so who i look like is up to me! :D

Promos results r back...suprisingly somehow managed to get thru again...other than a U for maths...the rest all passed with an E for lit, D for GP, C for history, C for econs, C for chinese....not great results but good enough to get promoted ba...not some fancy results judging by the grades but oh well given the amount of time that i actually studied for my promos im sayin not bad for me liao...after all studied like few days b4 the papers??...

Started to work at The M hotel after paul intro me who was intro by the chicken rice seller raymond of our school...well basically worked the past two days n have good times n shitty times but i guess dats jus part of the job...feels good to be able to earn my own money other than havin always to take money from my parents...too bad the job gets me all tired out n on the 2nd day was one of the worse off days where everythin went wrong for me when i spilled red wine on the table,drop food onto a customer,forget the drinks order n other stuff dat messed up my whole day...guess was too tired n all already after workin till one the day b4...nat n ian they all came on the second day to work but regretted askin them along...ah should have realised dat the pay is not worth it to them n they wont be able to cope...end up bein more worried n frustrated in the end of the day...bleah...nothin seems to go right these days when im jus burden down with fatigue...

Went iceskatin with hana they all in the mornin n after waitin like forever for bingy n ah box finally got down to skatin...2nd time i ice skate in my life n once again...the ice n my butt have some certain affinity as when hana asked me to go around with her n was holdin her hands n movin around when i went down n she was dragged down along with me landin on top of me...ahh so malu...fell another 2 more times at least once tryin to avoid a banging into a duo of dad and son but ended up with me fallin instead of them... -.- there was some filimin thingy goin on in the rink but didnt realli pay much attention to it...came back from hotel trainin n am bushed right now...

Sigh dunno wad gotten over me dis few days but once again startin to be unable to keep check of my temper n starts to get tempermental once more...maybe its the tiredness from workin n lack of sleep...maybe its the haze....but most likely maybe its jus me bein myself...sigh too tired to go think bout it...shall jus sleep it over n forget everythin...shant care bout anythin else now other den to concentrate on gettin back on my gymin n earnin money to provide for myself...shant be bothered by anymore other stuff no more...pointless,meaningless n useless...

Promos have ended finally...now its the time again for the nervewreckin awaitn of the lousy results dat awaits me...sigh...oh wells one thing at a time ba...finally back to gym trainin again...shoots man takin too many stops on the way already...when can i ever train without havin to take the uncessary breaks?sigh...have to restart once again...!#$%^&* found out dat after promos all the ppl dat can train with still have tests n school...bleah...trainin alone places so much restriction sia...dont dare to go heavy n being burden by worries end up backsliddin n bein unable to maintain...sigh...got lots of work to do...

fellin kinda crappy for some time so might as well jus say it out...hope U can be more understandin...dunno whether its on purpose or u realli didnt intended to...but im still human afterall k? though i have been n still is a bastard i think this sort of crappy punishment jus aint fair...please consider the fact that i have feelins...u might not have noticed it but im tellin u(n everyone out there) it exist k? im not a total coldblooded bastard...yet.. i dont mind bein there to help out once a while but after the out of the blue thunderbolt again to help remind me i believe its fair to let me heal on my own n dont rub the salt into the wound anymore...maybe its cause of bein too close...or the jus dat u enjoy feelin wanted but without considerin others?...i realli dun understand ur thinkin...knowin full well n yet still....feelin like jus a tool these days...somethin dat is useful for its purpose den chucked away...i dun understand it at all...n y the need to apologize for somethin u dunno, n yet still continue on?...wads an apology without meanin?...on the recievin ends of things which i shouldnt be recievin n yet i still have to bear it...y make use of someone n still lead dat person on...sigh...realli dunno wad to do its realli over my head dis time...not even gonna bother to think bout it anymore...guess its jus a foolish one sided thing...but dats not a sin or crime so y punnish me like dat?...sigh...

Family meetin yesterday...got blasted from the moment i stepped out of the bathroom due to the reason of convertin religion...had a long heated argue/debate/disucssion basically wadever u want to call it...boils down to my family came up with this compromise: Ok can become christian...BUT wait till my parents r gone so dat i can fufil my duties as the eldest chinese son in the family n pay last respects accordin to the chinese worship ways...sigh...how can i get across to them dat its pointless...man dont make compromises on god...who r we to do so?...ended up with a part 2 continuation 8 months from now at my 18 bday where i will be at legal age to get baptise without parent consent n when my family is gonna gather again to finalise everythin...cant believe this is happenin...god give me the strength go carry on please...

Gonna have to go find a job soon...need to earn some gold for my spendings which i cant account for but jus keep increasin...bleah...gonna take this time to learn how 2 play the guitar too...lifelong learnin i guess...although a bit late start for learnin but wad the heck...somehow intersted in piano too...i guess music has become a kind of medicine to me...an outlet where can jus go into it without any crap...

Ah wells...guess i should ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE :)
afterall...it couldnt get any worse right? =X

Ah tmr is maths promos...few options for tmr:

1) Bring cushion/pillow to sleep in when paper start
2)Write 1 + 1 = 2
3)Dont go at all

which one will it be?

Life is jus so like dis...with choices yet not so many choices dat can be decided on one's own...


Happy BDAY MISS KON
thanks for takin away my book n now im gonna fail lit...

Promos have started...well jus as well dat my academic life have ended...think im kinda screwed...correction KNOW im screwed...well wad to do?take it one at a time ba...with at least 5% of econs for not handin up of siea failing my 25% section of lit total ca assignment...wow seems like its gonna take a lot for me to get promoted eh?...wadever ba shall jus do everythin one at a time best as i could at this time other den maths(thinkin of skippin paper or jus brining a cushion to sleep in cuz im not writin anythin but my name if i go) other den dat shall leave it to miracle i guess... =/

Why ask me when my opinions doesnt matter?it doesnt realli matter...not anymore i guess...

Its jus life...